


as if you don't remember, as if you can forget

by suttonbrady



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Love Confessions, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-06-26
Packaged: 2020-05-20 02:31:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19368241
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suttonbrady/pseuds/suttonbrady
Summary: Bellamy destroys Josephine and gets Clarke back but she loses her memories in the process.  Bellamy has to figure out where that leaves them.





	as if you don't remember, as if you can forget

**Author's Note:**

> This is trash, I'm sorry. The title is from the song Silhouette by Aquilo. Also, I should probably mention that Bellamy and Echo are broken up in this.

He had to look into these same eyes many times since Clarke had died, always with the crushing realization that they weren't hers anymore. He felt it, even before he knew. Every time he looked at her, deep down he knew it wasn't Clarke he was looking at. It took his head a little longer to catch onto that than his heart. Maybe Clarke would smile about the irony of that. After all, she'd been the one to tell him he needed to use his head more. He should've kissed her back then when she told him that. He doesn't think he'll ever get a better moment for it.

This time when she opens her eyes, it's not pain rushing through him. While they were waiting for Clarke, maybe Josephine, to wake up, his heart felt as though it would jump right out of his chest. Being on the verge of getting her back while knowing that if just one thing goes wrong it might not happen is maybe the worst thing he ever had to go through, he thinks.

He's standing next to the bed she's lying on, desperately holding onto her hand, praying that it's Clarke's hand he's holding. When she opens her eyes, he knows they're hers. He can feel it. Before he fell in love, he didn't believe in things like that. But he knows better know.

A single tear falls down his cheek as he watches Clarke look around the room, clearly confused about what happened and where she is. Of course he's not surprised by that. He supposes it's a natural reaction when you wake up after someone else took over your body. What he is surprised by, however, is when she looks at him with the same confusion and pulls her hand away from his. 

„What are you doing here?“ Her voice sounds different. Not like Josephine, but not entirely like Clarke either. „What happened?“

„It's okay“, he says as his mouth forms into a smile and he reaches for her hand again. „Josephine is gone.“

Clarke pulls away yet again and that's when Bellamy knows for sure that something isn't right. This is Clarke. He can feel that much. But something isn't the way it's supposed to be. He can feel that much, too.

„Who the hell is Josephine?“

His smile has already faded from his lips as the realization slowly hits him. He feels the same thing in his chest that he's felt so many times before. He can't quite describe it, he only knows it's the worst he's ever felt. It's how he felt when Clarke left him by himself at the gate to Arkadia. It's how he felt when he left her to die on a dying planet. It's how he felt for the six years without her until he found out she was alive. It's how he felt when he lost her again.

It's how he feels now.

„Clarke?“, he asks, his voice cracking. He's not even sure what he's asking her. „You look different“, she says then and he can feel another tear rolling down his cheek. „I know“, he says in a whisper. „I know.“ It's not a reply to what she said, really. It's a reply to the translation of it. „You look different“ is what it means for her, but he hears the words differently. It's not what he responds to. „I don't remember“ is what he hears instead. He knows. 

„I know.“

„Are we at the dropship? Where's Finn?“, she asks him. A sob rips through him as he covers his face with his hands. „Please“, he whispers. Not to Clarke. Not even to himself. Maybe just to the entire universe. „Please don't take her away from me again.“

„What are you talking about?“ She looks even more confused now than she did before. „Why are you crying? Bellamy, what's going on?“ He tries to remind himself to breathe as he gathers up the strength to talk again. „What's the last thing you remember?“

„You, being responsible for 300 people on the Ark dying. I'd say that's pretty memorable“, she huffs and it sends a shiver down his spine. „And after that?“

„What do you mean after that? I went to my tent to go to sleep. And now I'm here, wherever that is. Why do you have a beard?“ He would have smiled at that, under different circumstances. He remembers how many questions she used to ask back then. He remembers how annoyed he was by it. He's not annoyed now, only heartbroken. 

„Clarke“, Bellamy whispers. „You...“ He doesn't know how he's supposed to continue. There's no guide on how to tell someone they seem to have lost almost all of their memories. And especially not how to tell the girl you love.

„There's more than that“, he says after some time. Everything around him feels like it's moving in slow motion. „You don't remember.“

Clarke stares at him in confusion and shakes her head. „Did I hit my head or something? Is that why I'm here? And why are you here with me, out of all people?“ So many questions. She always used to ask so many questions. „I'm your best friend“, he says quietly. He's not even sure she heard him at first until she lets out a small laugh and scoffs: „Right.“

„I am.“ How does he even begin to explain all this to her? „Clarke. The last thing you remember, the culling on the Ark. That was a long time ago.“

„What do you mean, a long time?“

„It was seven years ago. A hundred and thirty-two, technically.“

She doesn't say anything, just looks at him in shock. She probably thinks he's messing with her. That he's taking advantage of her confusion. It's not something he would've ever done, but he can see how she could've thought that back then. Maybe he should've wasted less time holding onto his anger for her. He wants that time back now.

„You look different, too. There's a mirror to your left.“ Clarke turns around, fear making it's way onto her face as she sees herself and she lifts a hand to touch her short hair. She stares at herself for a few minutes, not quite being able to wrap her head around it. He can't blame her. Eventually, she slowly turns to face Bellamy.

„You're telling the truth?“, she asks in a whisper and Bellamy nods. „But how...what happened?“

He tries to explain it to her without sounding too crazy. He explains how they went to a new planet and how Russell and Simone killed her to bring Josephine back. He explains how he found out she was still alive. And he explains how he got her back. In some way he did, at least.

Clarke listens to all of it but she doesn't look any less confused. It's a lot to process for her. It's a lot to process for him, too.  


They're silent after that for a while until she asks: „Do we still hate each other?“ That does get a small laugh out of him, followed by more sadness. „No“, he replies. „No, we don't.“ Clarke nods. „You said you're my best friend.“

„I am. I know that it's...probably hard to believe if you don't remember anything after the culling. We really did hate each other a lot. But we love each other more.“

„You have...You have to tell me. About everything that's happened since then. I need to know.“ Bellamy nods. „I know. I'll tell you everything. Maybe it'll help you remember.“ He doesn't really believe in that but he needs some hope to hold onto. He feels like he's going to fall apart if he doesn't.

And so he tells her everything. Every detail he can remember. He starts with what happened after the culling. How his sister disappeared and he went out looking for her while Clarke stayed at the dropship. How he brought Lincoln back and they both made the decision to torture him in order to save Finn's life. He tells her how they still blame themselves for that.

He continues telling her about their day trip, the first time they saw each other as anything other than enemies. The first time they saw each other's true selves. Probably the day they became friends. He's not quite sure. There were a lot of turning points in their relationship.

He tells her about Unity Day and the failed alliance, about Murphy and the sickness, about the grounders attacking and Clarke being forced to leave him outside the dropship to die. And he tells her about the first time she hugged him. What he doesn't tell her about is the way his heart jumped when they first touched. He doesn't tell her about how he wished he could hold her like that forever.

But he does tell her about Mount Weather. And he tells her about Finn, which causes her to cry a little. He tells her how she left him and he tells her how angry he was. He tells her how he forgave her because that's what they do.

„I'm sorry I left you“, Clarke says. „I mean I don't...remember it. But I'm sorry.“ He smiles at that a little. „Thanks, Princess.“

„But I came back?“

„Eventually.“

He tells her about Lexa, too. „You fell in love with her“, he says. „And you still blame yourself for her death. You think everyone you love dies because of you.“

He can see her desperately trying to remember Lexa, but she doesn't. He thought maybe at least her loved ones would still be in her mind somewhere. Maybe because he didn't want to believe the universe would be quite that cruel. He should know better by now.

„You managed to destroy ALIE. But not without finding out that the world was going to end again.“ Clarke suddenly starts laughing and Bellamy looks up at her, confused. „What?“

„Nothing, I just...“ She chuckles again. „How many times does the universe need to tell us to fuck off until we get it?“

Bellamy laughs too now. „We haven't even gotten to the part where we had to leave for another planet yet.“

 

When he gets to the part of Praimfaya he can feel himself tensing up again. He hates that part. 

„I left you there“, he says quietly after he finishes explaining everything that led up to that point.

„But I told you to“, Clarke says gently. Bellamy can feel a tear running down his cheek. He quickly wipes it away but they won't stop coming now. „I left you to die. I thought you were dead.“

Sometimes it still hits him. That for six years he had to live with the thought that Clarke was dead. And that maybe if he had done things differently, she wouldn't have been. If he had just not allowed her to come with him to the island. If he hadn't gone to save Monty and went with her instead. If he had waited a little longer.

„Please stop“, she begs. „I don't like seeing you cry. I think I remember that much.“ He smiles at her but the tears are still falling.

„So I survived Praimfaya then?“, Clarke asks, trying to change the subject so he stops being so sad. Bellamy nods. „You stayed on the ground. You met a child, Madi, and you love her more than anything else in the world. I'm going to explain all this to her. I promise.“ Clarke nods again. „She's the one who told me you were alive.“

He doesn't tell her how that made him feel either. He doesn't tell her how he desperately wanted to kiss her after finally being able to hold her in his arms again, after all those years. 

„You called me on the radio“, he says. „Every single day. For six years.“

Clarke looks stunned. He was too when he found out. Six years is a long time to wait for someone. He would have waited for her too if he had known. In some ways, he did wait for her. He never quite let go.

„I must love you a lot“, she says quietly.

„I don't know. Maybe. I hope so.“

„You hope so?“, she quotes and Bellamy does his best to explain. „I don't think you love me as much as I wish you did. Or at least not in that way. I know it's selfish to think that.“ She pauses. „What way?“

He thinks maybe he should tell her. Maybe now would be the time. But he doesn't. He never does.

„It doesn't matter.“

The next thing he tells her about is the fighting pits and how she left him there. Even now he can feel her regret. 

„I can't-“ She stops. „I can't believe I did that.“

„I forgave you“, he says and Clarke looks at him, clearly surprised.

„You did?“

„Yeah, I did.“

„Why?“ 

He wants to tell her the real reason. He wants to tell her that he forgave her because he loves her, more than he's ever loved anyone in his life. He wants to tell her that he loves her so much it consumes him. But he doesn't tell her that. He goes with a different truth.

„I can never not forgive you.“

 

 

Hours passed since Clarke first woke up Bellamy is still sitting by her bed, not wanting to leave her side. She asked for a break from the stories so she could try and process some of it. He needs a break too. Most of their stories are painful ones.

There isn't much more left to tell, anyway. After another hour, he tells her the rest. About how they left Earth and found Sanctum. And he repeats the story of Josephine. Once he's done, they're silent. Neither of them knows what to say.

„So“, Clarke says eventually. „You're seriously my best friend?“ He laughs and it helps him breathe a little better again. „Yeah“, he chuckles. „Yeah, you had kind of a downgrade since Wells.“

They talk more after that and they laugh more, too. It feels good. It makes him realize that even without her memories, he still got Clarke back. She's right here.

„Maybe it's a good thing I lost my memories“, Clarke says, more to herself than to him but he hears it anyway. „With everything you told me, don't you sometimes wish you'd lose yours, too?“

He considers it. He's thought about it before. How much easier things would be if he could just forget it all. All the pain they've suffered. But he makes a choice.

„No.“ Clarke looks surprised by that. He's a little surprised by it himself. „So much has happened. But I wouldn't change a thing“, he decides. „If I did, maybe we never would've been friends. Maybe we never even would've met. Whatever pain and suffering this path has brought me, it also brought me here with you. I have you back.“ He smiles at her sadly. „One way or another.“

She looks like she's thinking about what he said, but she doesn't respond.

„Can I hold your hand?“, he suddenly asks before he can stop himself. „I know it must seem weird because to you I'm...still someone you hate, from what you remember. But I love you. And I just really want to hold your hand right now.“

She smiles a little and reaches out for his hand, intertwining it with hers. He missed her touch. Touching Josephine was nothing like this.

„There's something that I wanna say. But I'm not sure if I should.“ She bites her lip.

„You can tell me.“

She considers his words and thinks about it for a bit but makes up her mind about it eventually.

„I don't remember specific things. I don't remember anything that's happened“, she says while just staring at her hand in his. „But I remember you.“

He's not sure what she means by that. She told him she doesn't remember anything that happened between them.

„I don't...I don't remember anything about you, or about us. But at the same time, I feel like I do, deep down. When you called me your best friend I was confused but it also felt...right.“ Bellamy smiles at her. „But at the same time, it didn't. Because I...“ She sighs and suddenly seems unsure if she should continue or not, but she does. „I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too confused about everything. But I don't think a best friend is what I loved you as. I can feel it, even now. Did I tell you that? When I still had my memories, did I ever tell you what I felt?“

He can feel himself starting to cry again but he doesn't care about that anymore. He waited for this for what feels like his entire life. He shakes his head.

„We never told each other.“

She knows what those words mean: He loves her, too.

He doesn't kiss her. He wants to, but he doesn't. It doesn't feel right just yet. After all, she doesn't remember all of him. She doesn't remember anything that happened.

„You remember loving me?“, he asks, his voice cracking.

„I don't think I could ever forget.“


End file.
